Friedrich Nietzsche speaks: “God Is Dead, The Abyss Lives”

In our latest travels through the afterlife we bumped into Friedrich Nietzsche and his surprising choice of timepiece! Plato, Kant, Voltaire and many other famous philosophers were available up there, but we only wanted one, the big man himself, father of nihilism, animal lover, owner of a very difficult surname to spell and a man who most famously claimed, “God is dead;” Friedrich Nietzsche.

As a longterm critic of Christianity we wondered if he had had a chance to meet with the Almighty yet? “Nien, und I don’t vant to, because nothing has any importance up here in the everlasting afterlife except time which never stops.” Changing the subject rapidly he made some mention about the Abyss, and we thought he was talking about his impossibly huge moustache until he brandished something quiite astonishing before our eyes.

He proudly said, “Zis Abyss touch screen watch really attracts me as its endlessly black face seems to suck you into its nothingness until…you touch it’s face, zen it displays ze time in bright blue points of light.”

We suppose when you have so much time on your hands a new timepiece experience can really help kill time or indeed God!

Cha’mone! The King Of Pop Reveals His Favorite Spy Gadget

It was only a matter of time before we met the King of Pop up here. MJ took time out to give us his story about a gadget which he feels is a thriller indeed.

Before his untimely (timely?) demise, Michael had started using a Calculator Spy Camera – Hidden Spy Gadget on his chest of drawers in the bedroom. He said, “I just love spy gadgets like this calculator! It’s a replica of a real calculator that I’ve been using to work out how much I owe those sheiks and my Beatles royalties, but the best bit is that it records hours of video onto its 4GB memory card!” He added, “The video will show that I always slept on the floor, never on the bed!”

Given that his death has now become somewhat of a whodunnit, I suggest that the feds can check the calculator to see what really happened, but it’s so cunningly disguised that they probably missed it!

So where did you get this calculator Michael? “I went to the best online source for smooth criminals’ spy gadgets, Chinavasion Wholesale. So cha’mone today, hee heeee!”

Erm, thanks Michael…pass the Jesus juice would you.

HRH Princess Diana of Wales Endorses Breathalyser Keyring

The Peoples’ Princess took time to speak with us about the merits of a very handy little gadget. No, not the seatbelt (although the merits of these is well-documented), but the Breathalyser Key Chain from China wholesale kings Chinavasion.

“If only Henry had used one of these lovely little gadgets,” she said, “then perhaps my evening out wouldn’t have ended so badly.” She added, “In fact, these key chains are so cheap that I could give on to every member of my household to make sure that future journeys are safe!”

So there you have it, the Breathalyzer Keychain Car Gadget – Flashlight + Stopwatch, as endorsed by the Princess of Wales. Suitable for your own prince or princess, or perhaps your chauffeur who likes a tipple while waiting around.

With that the Lady Di turned and started into the white light. Now, where’s that seatbelt? There’s a tunnel coming up…

Eazy-E talks guns, drugs, ho’s and Solar Backpacks

Our latest dead celebrity was famous for his rap, drug dealing, support of ‘Desert Storm’ and copying Freddie Mercury by dying of AIDS, but he’s got a different kind of message for all his homies this time.

Famous rapper Eazy-E, co-founder of Ruthless Records and member of the NWA, was excited to tell us about a new product that had excited him. Eazy said, “I got me one of these new Solar Backpacks, so fuck the batteries, dog! It’s even got space inside for my glock and my ho’s are seriously all over its slick looks! People ask me, ‘Gangster, gangster, where’d you find a bitchin’ pack with solar batteries like this and what does it do?’ and I jus tell ’em it’s from Chinavasion baby and it’s got integrated speakers and emergency power so I can hide out from drive-by’s for days if needs be!”

His final gambit was, “I have seven children by six different mothers. Maybe success was too good to me. I love all my kids and always took care of them. That’s why I’m recommending that y’all buy your kids one of these new backpacks with Solar Batteries!”

Thanks Eazy, and don’t forget – Niggaz4life homes!