Friedrich Nietzsche speaks: “God Is Dead, The Abyss Lives”

In our latest travels through the afterlife we bumped into Friedrich Nietzsche and his surprising choice of timepiece! Plato, Kant, Voltaire and many other famous philosophers were available up there, but we only wanted one, the big man himself, father of nihilism, animal lover, owner of a very difficult surname to spell and a man who most famously claimed, “God is dead;” Friedrich Nietzsche.

As a longterm critic of Christianity we wondered if he had had a chance to meet with the Almighty yet? “Nien, und I don’t vant to, because nothing has any importance up here in the everlasting afterlife except time which never stops.” Changing the subject rapidly he made some mention about the Abyss, and we thought he was talking about his impossibly huge moustache until he brandished something quiite astonishing before our eyes.

He proudly said, “Zis Abyss touch screen watch really attracts me as its endlessly black face seems to suck you into its nothingness until…you touch it’s face, zen it displays ze time in bright blue points of light.”

We suppose when you have so much time on your hands a new timepiece experience can really help kill time or indeed God!

Cha’mone! The King Of Pop Reveals His Favorite Spy Gadget

It was only a matter of time before we met the King of Pop up here. MJ took time out to give us his story about a gadget which he feels is a thriller indeed.

Before his untimely (timely?) demise, Michael had started using a Calculator Spy Camera – Hidden Spy Gadget on his chest of drawers in the bedroom. He said, “I just love spy gadgets like this calculator! It’s a replica of a real calculator that I’ve been using to work out how much I owe those sheiks and my Beatles royalties, but the best bit is that it records hours of video onto its 4GB memory card!” He added, “The video will show that I always slept on the floor, never on the bed!”

Given that his death has now become somewhat of a whodunnit, I suggest that the feds can check the calculator to see what really happened, but it’s so cunningly disguised that they probably missed it!

So where did you get this calculator Michael? “I went to the best online source for smooth criminals’ spy gadgets, Chinavasion Wholesale. So cha’mone today, hee heeee!”

Erm, thanks Michael…pass the Jesus juice would you.

Road House! Patrick Swayze Shares A Great Health Benefit For Men.

Ironically, the ghost of Patrick Swayze, has travelled beyond the red dawn to speak with us about his new discovery, Man MOT.co.uk.

He said with uncommon valor that this clever new website offers a whole city of joy to any guys out there who feel a bit shy about going to the doctor with their problems. Patrick himself had a very public and sad battle with pancriatic cancer which he eventually succumbed to on September 14th 2009, so he is keen to let his next of kin and indeed any of the outsiders to his family stay healthier.

He said, “Keeping mum will never help if you’re unwell. In fact we only get one chance in this life, not three wishes, so it’s really important to look after yourself as we don’t all stay youngbloods forever!”

“If, like me, you’re interested in keeping healthy, but you don’t want to leave your roadhouse, then manmot.co.uk is a good solution for you as you can chat (completely confidentially and for free) with actual doctors online. They’ll advise you in real time and you’ll soon be back on your feet and dirty dancing again!”

Our thanks goes out to the Swayze as his untimely death was a real point break and sadly he never had the chance to have fatherhood as he and his wife had no children. Finally, with one last dance, Patrick bid us fairwell and turned back to join Donnie Darko in the afterlife.

HRH Princess Diana of Wales Endorses Breathalyser Keyring

The Peoples’ Princess took time to speak with us about the merits of a very handy little gadget. No, not the seatbelt (although the merits of these is well-documented), but the Breathalyser Key Chain from China wholesale kings Chinavasion.

“If only Henry had used one of these lovely little gadgets,” she said, “then perhaps my evening out wouldn’t have ended so badly.” She added, “In fact, these key chains are so cheap that I could give on to every member of my household to make sure that future journeys are safe!”

So there you have it, the Breathalyzer Keychain Car Gadget – Flashlight + Stopwatch, as endorsed by the Princess of Wales. Suitable for your own prince or princess, or perhaps your chauffeur who likes a tipple while waiting around.

With that the Lady Di turned and started into the white light. Now, where’s that seatbelt? There’s a tunnel coming up…

James Dean Offers His Top 3 Car GPS Picks

James Dean has spoken to us briefly from the ether regarding his top 3 car GPS systems. He said, “If only these systems had been around in the 1950’s! Perhaps I’d have taken a different route to the race.” This may well have helped avoid his untimely death, but he’d also have been able to enjoy MP3, Video and even Digital TV with many available today. Technology that he was tragically robbed of by a careless driver.

He went on to offer us his recommendations, and you’ve got to listen to a guy who received two posthumous Academy Nominations.

James’ Picks:

1. TomTom Go 950 – James says: “The chicks would’ve seriously dug this GPS back in the 50’s. With its 4.3″ widescreen display and voice control functionality, it’s a simple piece of kit, but it rocks.”

2. Handheld GPS Navigator and Mobile Phone with Internet as mentioned on redferret.net – James says: “I never got to own a mobile phone or GPS, but if I bought this GPS then I’d have both. With Bluetooth, Phone, GPS and Internet (whatever that is) all available and in handheld size, this gadget is far from jive.”

3. Car GPS/DVD/TV/RADIO/MP3 systems – James says: “These systems look just like a car stereo in your dashboard, but with so many functions and a big 7″ color screen being pretty normal, these guys offer a lot of bang for your buck. They tend to be cheaper from Chinese sources, so search for them on the ‘net. China? A world power? I never saw that one coming!”

With these last few words of wisdom, James fired up his ethereal Porsche and motored back off into the afterlife.

Eazy-E talks guns, drugs, ho’s and Solar Backpacks

Our latest dead celebrity was famous for his rap, drug dealing, support of ‘Desert Storm’ and copying Freddie Mercury by dying of AIDS, but he’s got a different kind of message for all his homies this time.

Famous rapper Eazy-E, co-founder of Ruthless Records and member of the NWA, was excited to tell us about a new product that had excited him. Eazy said, “I got me one of these new Solar Backpacks, so fuck the batteries, dog! It’s even got space inside for my glock and my ho’s are seriously all over its slick looks! People ask me, ‘Gangster, gangster, where’d you find a bitchin’ pack with solar batteries like this and what does it do?’ and I jus tell ’em it’s from Chinavasion baby and it’s got integrated speakers and emergency power so I can hide out from drive-by’s for days if needs be!”

His final gambit was, “I have seven children by six different mothers. Maybe success was too good to me. I love all my kids and always took care of them. That’s why I’m recommending that y’all buy your kids one of these new backpacks with Solar Batteries!”

Thanks Eazy, and don’t forget – Niggaz4life homes!

Steve Irwin, ‘The Crocodile Hunter,’ goes all Tom Jones on us!

In a recent seance which ethereal character did I happen to bump into?
None other than the ‘Crocodile Hunter’ himself, Steve Irwin!

Still dressed in goggles and wetsuit from that fateful day in September 2006, Steve was quick to tell me about the merits of holidaying in Wales!

He said, “Alright Cobber? I’ll tell ya, there’s no nicer place to take the kids away in the caravan than Wales! It’s nice ‘n cool, great for hiking and there’s no bloody Snakes ‘n Crocs, let alone other dangerous critters!”

He went on to say, “Crikey mate! I never thought I’d like bein’ away from Oz, but Bindi and the rest of the family’d love jumping in the ‘van and havin’ a barbie with the locals, still can’t make those taffy’s out though! You should check out the Welsh Tourist Board for good destinations. Me? I like the sea fishing, but haven’t seen any Salties or Stingrays!”

With one last, “Crikey mate!” Steve once again swam off into the white light. Gone, but not forgotten and surprisingly championing the unexpected holiday destination of Wales! Cheers mate, chuck another shrimp on the barbie for me would ya?

Barry White Endorses Online Shopping For ‘Large’ Men’s Clothing

Barry White was probably best known for being the velvet-voiced ‘Walrus of Love’ and belting out some huge disco favourites in the 70’s, such as, ‘Never, Never Gonna Give You Up’ and ‘Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe.’

He has, however, contacted us from the afterlife, to profess his love for popular ‘large’ men’s online clothing store, bigmen.com.

Barry said, “I was gone before the boom in online shopping, but if I’d been around I would certainly have bought my clothes from here as big gentlemen like me have trouble finding clothes to fit. I’d get my first, my last and my every purchase from here!”

With that he stepped behind his white, cloudy, piano and crooned his way back through the pearly gates.

Kurt Cobain Champions The New iPhone 4G

Kurt Cobain, lead singer of 90’s ‘Grunge’ pioneers Nirvana, has spoken out from the grave in favour of Apple’s new iPhone 4G.

He stated, “The new iPhone really does seem to have changed everything again, and had it been around in 1994 I think its multitasking, HD video and retina display would’ve given me more reason to live than the heroin ever could.” No doubt it would also have been a safer option than a shotgun.

Reports that Dave Grohl is a big ‘Android’ phone fan have yet to be confirmed…

Nixon Gets Biometric Lock Suitcase

Richard Nixon, 37th president of the United States and the only US president to resign from office is sure that he won’t be leaking any more secrets now he’s got his Fingerprint briefcase.

“I wish I had this in 1972,” said Mr Nixon. “Sure biometric locks didn’t exist then but if they did Watergate would still just be a overpriced, overhyped hotel.”